"A while back, I was experimenting with this thing where a character responds to the narrative and I got some good feedback on it. Thus, I have decided that Iraja will do this whenever possible." -Casey
Zared realized that he must have been holding his breath
in his anxiety and stopped. He took a deep breath, but the air was thin and it
did not suffice. He gasped, but found that it still wasn’t quite enough.
“Oh, my,” mumbled a curt female voice from the adjacent
hallway. “Are you alright, Zared? You look a bit pale.”
Zared hissed in a lungful of air and then cursed under
his breath. He hadn’t noticed the upsurge of his sister’s magic until now and
suddenly it was all around him, seeping the oxygen from the hall and invading
his mind.
“I suppose I’m just that skilled,” she bragged as she
stepped into view, brushing her wild blond hair from her face. “Then again, you
might just be lousy at sensing magic that has nothing to do with water.”
Zared was beginning to feel dizzy, but he still had more
than enough strength to stand and maybe even charge her if it became necessary.
“And then what would you do?” she scoffed. “Tackle me to
the ground? Ha! I think not, little brother.”
Zared stood his ground, gathering his own magic in his
mind. Even if he wasn’t a match for Iraja, the combined power of their spells
would surely draw attention.
“Hiding behind father as usual,” Iraja sighed. “You know
that his wrath would only be set upon me after you were dead.”
Zared smiled, because even though that was true, it meant
that his well-being was the only thing standing between Iraja and their father’s
retribution. She couldn’t touch him, no matter what threats she made.
Iraja glared at Zared, causing a whirlwind to whip up and
slam the young man against the wall. He gasped for air, the feeling of it cool
and refreshing in his lungs.
Story and Characters (C) SuperheroGeek13
Pretty neat. Very nice flow, reserving the talking for one character and just portraying the other through actions. It emphasizes that Iraja is the one that feels in control of the moment because she's the one with leisure and energy to talk, while still keeping the readers' attention on Zared. It also keeps the action from being bogged down.
ReplyDeleteIf I may make one critique, I'd suggest changing this bit: "She couldn’t touch him, no matter what threats she made."
Clearly, she does have some power to touch him in a moderately harmful way. I really have no idea what word can be used instead, but it would be worth a try to find a different phrase or word.
Yay! This is just the sort of flow I was hoping to get! Iraja does enjoy asserting her control over people.
DeleteHmm...Well, this narrative is from Zared's POV so i wanted that line to have a bit of bravado to it because Zared is using it as a threat against Iraja. (And honestly, he's almost used to her doing stuff like this.)